Hold Still

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“Hold still.”  These are the words we say so many times a day to our toddler who never stops moving, but today, they hold a different meaning for me.

As we try to change a diaper or get her dressed, bathe her or brush her teeth, “hold still,” we say.   In this photo, my husband is trying to get her swimsuit on to head to the beach.  “Hold still,” he said and instead, she smiled and stopped long enough for me to snap this photo.

She moves so fast and rarely is still at all; I’m constantly amazed at her energy and her ability to turn any situation into a dance party as she moves her shoulders up and down to a song she hums herself.

When she does rest, it’s often with me right beside her.  She finally stills and I always watch her sleep for a bit, marveling at how her tiny body has finally stopped moving, if just for a while.  I memorize her face each day and the wrinkles in her hands, knowing well how quickly they will change. Continue Reading

She Can Do It

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6-23-16

“I do it!”  These are the words I hear, over and over again, all day long.

When we’re rushing out of the door, I hear these words when you try to buckle your own shoes.  I stop to help you and you say “I do it!”  And I let you do it, even though it’s frustrating, because I know someday, your little shoes won’t be at the door at all.  So, I wait and watch you slowly buckle your shoes, and I try to savor the moment of watching your tiny feet fit into your little shoes.

Every morning before the sun is up or before I’ve made my own coffee, I grab a glass from the cabinet and the orange juice from the fridge, but even before I take the cap from the container, you say, “I do it!”   So, I sit you on your stool and watch with tired eyes as you so carefully pour the juice into the cup.  And at first, you spilled the juice and I tried very hard not to sigh.  But now, you can pour almost perfectly and the small smile you give me tells the story of your pride so clearly. Continue Reading

The Fear of Failure

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6-21-16

I found this rejection letter going through an old file cabinet at the last minute before our move last week.  If I had given up then, for good, I would have abandoned a dream.

This is my first rejection letter from almost six years ago, when I first made a real go at being a writer.  My son was only a year old and he inspired me, even then, to go for my dream of being a writer.  I remember putting him for a nap–mostly in my arms–and sitting at my computer to write the query letter I sent.  His hair was very blonde then and I actually remember thinking that I would go for my own dream so that I could show the sweet and resting, blonde-haired boy how to go for his own someday.

This letter came and others followed, and I put the dream aside to mother and teach, or so I told myself.  It was really because I was afraid to fail. As Coelho writes in “The Alchemist,”   “There is only one thing that makes a dream impossible to achieve: the fear of failure.”  And that was certainly the case for me. I was discouraged; I was afraid.  And, I had no real intention of ever writing again for anyone but myself. But then, my son grew up and my daughter was born and I found myself again as I was long ago.  And I owed it to myself and to them to try again. So, I did.Continue Reading

Dancing in Brown Sugar

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These tiny feet belong to a little girl going through the “terrible twos,” or so I’ve been told.

Before 8:00 a.m. this morning, my daughter spilled my coffee, her cereal, and planted herself on the floor of the shower, yelling “No, Mommy” when I opened the door.  In turn, I planted myself outside of the door with a fresh cup of coffee and just watched her play.  I texted a friend and she told me just to sit and take in how cute it all was.  So I sat and I did just that.

By 12:00 noon, she dumped a bowl of crackers, smeared peanut butter all over my couch, and climbed on the counter and pulled over a vase of flowers she had helped me cut in the garden.  She wanted to help arrange them and said “I help, Mommy.”  So, we arranged the flowers together and she was very proud.  And I smiled and kissed her strawberry blonde head.Continue Reading